I wanted to touch base and let y’all know that I finally heard from my doctor’s office regarding the pending results I talked about in my last post. I am happy to announce that these lab results came back negative, which is what we wanted. This means better prognostic statistics for me regarding future recurrence rates, and no further treatment will be added to the pill I am already taking.
Ultimately I know my, and all of our, “prognosis” is in God’s hands, and He had really helped me let go of obsessing over hearing those results in the last few weeks, but this was great news, is a huge praise, and a big relief.
It seems weird to finally be able to tell you guys there is nothing else pending out there regarding my cancer treatment. Of course there are routine follow-ups in the months ahead, but no pending surgeries and no pending labs. It has felt strange coming out of this trial. In some ways I think maybe I feel some of what a soldier might feel coming home from battle trenches. I’m processing the trauma – thinking through what the heck just happened, I’m a little scarred (physically and emotionally), I get mad about my losses sometimes, and sometimes I feel guilty I’m ok while others who’ve walked this road before me haven’t been as fortunate. All this while simultaneously feeling extremely grateful that this has been my path. I’m back at work and getting to work out again and trying to jump back into living “a normal life” and some days it just feels awkward if I’m honest. If you’re thinking to yourself, “man, Alise needs counseling,” you would be correct. I’ve been going for a few weeks now, and that has been super helpful. One big thing I’ve learned is to not shove my feelings under the rug by quickly praying them away (something I had no idea I was doing), but to pray better and include Jesus in the struggle. Instead of “help me not feel angry,” praying “Jesus, today I feel angry because ______ and I don’t even want your help if I’m honest but I know I need it. Forgive me. Meet me where I’m at. Give me your peace.”