I wanted to touch base and let y’all know that I finally heard from my doctor’s office
regarding the pending results I talked about in my last post. I am happy to
announce that these lab results came back negative, which is what we wanted.
This means better prognostic statistics for me regarding future recurrence
rates, and no further treatment will be added to the pill I am already taking.
Ultimately I know my, and all of our, “prognosis” is in
God’s hands, and He had really helped me let go of obsessing over hearing those
results in the last few weeks, but this was great news, is a huge praise, and a
big relief.
It seems weird to finally be able to tell you guys there is
nothing else pending out there regarding my cancer treatment. Of course there
are routine follow-ups in the months ahead, but no pending surgeries and no
pending labs. It has felt strange coming out of this trial. In some ways I think maybe I feel some
of what a soldier might feel coming home from battle trenches. I’m processing the
trauma – thinking through what the heck just happened, I’m a little scarred
(physically and emotionally), I get mad about my losses sometimes, and
sometimes I feel guilty I’m ok while others who’ve walked this road before me haven’t
been as fortunate. All this while simultaneously feeling extremely grateful
that this has been my path. I’m back
at work and getting to work out again and trying to jump back into living “a
normal life” and some days it just feels awkward if I’m honest. If you’re
thinking to yourself, “man, Alise needs counseling,” you would be correct. I’ve
been going for a few weeks now, and that has been super helpful. One big thing I’ve learned is to not shove my feelings under the rug by quickly praying them away (something
I had no idea I was doing), but to pray better and include Jesus in the
struggle. Instead of “help me not feel angry,” praying “Jesus, today I feel
angry because ______ and I don’t
even want your help if I’m honest but I know I need it. Forgive me. Meet me
where I’m at. Give me your peace.”
