Well, you guys might need to hunker down with a nice big cup of coffee, tea, or whatever it is you drink, and cozy up; because, there is so much on my heart I want to share, and I have the feeling this is going to be quite the long post.
First, recovery is going well. I came home last Friday at 10 am, and aside from one rough day, pain has been controlled and I have been thrilled with my mobility (it is much more extensive than I expected). Time at the hospital was not the best, and while I want to be raw and open, I also do not want to be a complainer. If any of you want a venting session from me about the time I had there - I'll be glad to provide ;) That said, I want to make very clear that my physicians are amazing. I cannot tell you how many people I have had tell me how fortunate I am to be under their care. It feels good when checking into pre-op to have nurses tell you "we have people come from all over the country for them. You are in good hands," especially when this is comment 500+ of the like received about these guys. I really can't say enough about their excellent care and treatment, along with my OBGyn who supported me through getting the initial cyst checked into and has faithfully gone above and beyond to check in with me weekly on the phone, and has provided any assistance he possibly could in this process.
My parents and my besties, Melanie and Leah, came into town for the surgery to assist Chad in caring for me during my hospital stay. So many other friends and family reached out in various ways and have made my recovery as seamless as possible. My brother Adam drove from South Carolina to surprise me on Saturday once I was home. He quoted a book he's currently reading and said "I can't promise you sunshine, but I can make sure you always have an umbrella in the rain." I mean come on - how cute is that?! My bothers Mark (and his daughters, my awesome nieces) and Aaron (and his wife Bekah) planned visits to see me at that time as well. For the many other prayers, texts, phone calls, visits, flowers and cards sent - thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I will meet with a medical oncologist on August 23rd. Until that time I really won't have an update on the treatment plan ahead. Please continue to pray that a clear treatment plan develops in the next couple weeks.
While in recovery I have had a lot of time to think. What follows is overtly Christian in nature and I realize not all of you follow the same line of thinking. I always love chatting with people from other belief systems and backgrounds and hope you will enjoy "hearing" some of the thoughts I've been having during recovery and the perspective my faith has provided in this difficult time.
I think, as humans, we tend to draw naturally toward a feeling of entitlement to things to which we were never promised entitlement. These include health, wealth, ease of life, lack of trials, struggles, and tribulations. Even entitlement to smaller things like customer service representatives being good and efficient at their jobs, receiving the better assignment at work, “that person” in front of us not cutting us off on the road (or, if you're anything like me, a vast array of other road pet-peeves) creep into my thought process on a regular basis.
The thing is, we were not promised any of these things. We are not promised long lives that are free of suffering and trials where everyone and everything magically revolves around ME/US. It is my belief that this is true regardless of religious beliefs, but in the Christian faith, we are warned of this through scripture.
In John 16:33 Jesus says "...In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." Peter reminds us in 1 Peter 4:12 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." It's not a matter of if, but it's a matter of when these things will occur. It doesn't make these times any less difficult, sad, or frustrating, but my point is that they should not surprise us. The answer to the question "Why?" would be a whole separate blog post. In fact many have written whole books on the matter, so I won't get into that at this juncture (though I might have a quote or two at the bottom of the post that speaks to that).
I love so much that "we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin (Heb. 4:15)" and that it's ok to feel like these struggles are difficult, sad, and frustrating, and that very next verse in Hebrews says, "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." And to be 100% honest, this verse brings tears to my eyes as I type it in because from Sunday when I first started typing this post to this moment on Thursday, the sadness of some of my losses has really kicked in to where I've almost felt hypocritical even posting the words I'd already typed and kept putting off finishing the post. That was Satan lying to me, and what a sweet reminder that I am to confidently approach God's throne of grace, and that in that place mercy and help await. Give me one moment while I ball my eyes out and blow my nose...
Annnnnnd I'm back. Thank you Jesus that despite the fact that we shouldn't be surprised when trials come, when we still are, you are so gracious and patient with us. Thank you Jesus for being with us in our pain and suffering. SO, we even get to include God as we work through all our various feelings and emotions during these times, and he welcomes that. How amazing is that?
Another theme of the week, which ties in to the first two, is the "why" behind unwavering peace and hope. I was not ready for this until I was in it. Each day He has given me what I need to have peace and joy in the midst of whatever is happening that day. Monday was a miserable day. Sunday night my dinner did not settle well. I sat in miserable nausea from 11-2am when I finally vomited about 1.5 Liters. Thus why Monday was miserable. You can imagine the action of aggressive vomiting after a bilateral mastectomy would be quite painful - it took all day Monday to catch back up on my pain management. This also left me weak and dehydrated. All this just one day after I felt well enough to put on a dress, high heels, and makeup and go to church. It was frustrating to relapse, but the thing is my hope and my joy remained because "He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.(Isaiah 53:3-5)"
I have my healing already, no matter the outcome of all this. No matter how I feel physically or emotionally on any given day - I have my perfect healing through my salvation in Jesus Christ. Now I know for sure some of you won't agree with me on that, but that is the assurance I have through my faith. It's absolutely amazing, and it is the source of my peace and my hope despite my trial and the various feelings it brings. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for this gift that has been given to me.
To conclude I've left a few quotes from Tim Keller during an interview about his book "Walking with God through Pain and Suffering." At the least it will show you an additional peek into what was speaking to me this week, and for those of you going through trials of your own, maybe there is a nugget of truth that will encourage you today as well.
“Look at Jesus. He was perfect, right? And yet he goes around crying all the time. He is always weeping, a man of sorrows. Do you know why? Because he is perfect. Because when you are not all absorbed in yourself, you can feel the sadness of the world. And therefore, what you actually have is that the joy of the Lord happens inside the sorrow. It doesn’t come after the sorrow. It doesn’t come after the uncontrollable weeping. The weeping drives you into the joy, it enhances the joy, and then the joy enables you to actually feel your grief without its sinking you. In other words, you are finally emotionally healthy.” (253)
“Some suffering is given in order to chastise and correct a person for wrongful patterns of life (as in the case of Jonah imperiled by the storm), some suffering is given not to correct past wrongs but to prevent future ones (as in the case of Joseph sold into slavery), and some suffering has no purpose other than to lead a person to love God more ardently for himself alone and so discover the ultimate peace and freedom.” (47)
“The only love that won’t disappoint you is one that can’t change, that can’t be lost, that is not based on the ups and downs of life or of how well you live. It is something that not even death can take away from you. God’s love is the only thing like that.” (304)
“Glorifying God does not mean obeying him only because you have to. It means to obey him because you want to — because you are attracted to him, because you delight in him. This is what C. S. Lewis grasped and explained so well in his chapter on praising. We need beauty.” (170)
If you actually made it this far CONGRATULATIONS, if you took my advice at the beginning of this post it's probably time for a refill!
